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Sex in This City: pick up lines that work-because getting laid isn't rocket science you know!

Boston's best bar moves

I was recently downing a frosty Sierra Nevada with some ex-colleagues of mine at the Bell in Hand. Those in the know refer to it as the "Dick in Hand", which I find rather crude, albeit an appropriate moniker for the tourist pit stop that it is. But phallus in fingers is exactly what ended up happening to one unfortunate dolt who tried a poor can of a line on one of our group.

As we stood around whining about our ex-employer's decision to axe us, a late-fortyish man sauntered over to try his best pick up line on my 24-year-old friend.

"Are you from Los Angeles?" enquired the hopeful but aging candidate.

"No, I'm from Ohio!" responded my vivacious young friend, in typical Buckeye state fashion.

"Oh, really, heh heh heh…" came the clever response. "Because you look like you're from L.A.!" he followed up. As if looking like being from LA should be enough to make a girl blush.

At this point I felt it would be prudent for me to volunteer some information and possibly break up this less than charming little exchange.

"I'm from L.A." I offered.

"Oh really," remarked the offender. "What part of L.A.?" he queried.

"Sunset Boulevard" I countered. Gloria Swanson always pops into my head when I'm thinking of pathetic aging characters in the setting of Los Angeles.

I think at this point he began to question my sincerity. In all truth, that's what I was hoping for. The trick in these situations is to make the aspiring pick up artist feel that he's been made a fool of without coming right out and stating the obvious. It is an art for women, and if men feel they are at the pinnacle of their sport and are failing miserably, we'll do our best to out-game them-so you might want to get out your notebook if any of this is ringing familiar.

I recount this dialogue as an interesting opening to this very helpful little treatise on pick up lines that should work. Or, if they don't work, at least they will prevent you from the embarrassing fate of the gentleman in my story. To wit, the above exchange ended with the emasculating ending where the man walks away from the target with a dejected feeling in his heart and a feces-feasting countenance-a.k.a. shit on his face.

Here are some lines that sound neither trite nor overly, well, stupid:

"Excuse me, but I was wondering if you knew whether the Sox (Patriots, Bruins) won today?"

This is an especially good starter if you are certain that there was a game on the day you use the line. You also want to limit this one to the type of place where you expect the patrons to be familiar with the local sports teams. For instance, do not use this line at Pravda 116, but it's fine at Who's On First. Boston does love their sports. And if you are alone in a bar and want to talk to anyone regardless of the gender, this is also a great way to blend in. If they don't like any sports, do you really want their company anyway?

You can also try "Who's your friend?" if you want to try the jealousy tack. She may be so taken aback that you are interested in her friend and not her that she'll start to wonder "Hey, what am I, yesterday's chopped liver?" and she may do what she can to win you over (if you are good-looking and know how to dress, more on that in an upcoming feature).

If you don't want to come off as a cheap and corny suitor, try the casual approach. This is best done with a laid back attitude. Women can sense right away if a man is trying too hard. It's the smell of fear that turns a woman off, that sense that the approaching man has sweaty hands and cheap shoes. If you approach your target at a bar, try "Hi, my name is (insert name)".

It is deceptively simple, but she will not immediately assume you are a loser - after all, introducing oneself is an established part of polite society. She may find it more difficult to turn you away since you're not assaulting her with a potentially offensive pick up line. Once you determine that she isn't going to ignore you, come up with some sort of comment based on your surroundings. "The music here is really good/lousy, isn't it (if your game is on you know what music is playing and sincerely like or dislike it and can editorialize with authority). "Oh they're playing the Charlatans UK, I love this-I have it on vinyl," or "I didn't know anyone still listened to Phil Collins, what are we in New Hampshire?" You might also try "Have you seen the waitress with the tattoo of a leprechaun on her neck"? or some other caddy commentary (Women love gossiping about other women). Just don't be callous and be sure your wit is sensibly tasteful. Offensive wit may land you alone and ordering a double for yourself, rather than the drink for the both of you that you had planned. From there it's up to you. If you can't hold her attention with some conversation, then all the strategies in the world will ultimately not produce the desired outcome. For practice, try not to ask what they do, or where they are from in the first five minutes. Do you really care, and do you want them to feel like they are on a job interview? Unless of course their accent is exotic, in that case it may be obligatory. The best advice is to be relaxed and friendly. If you're composed can you really be beaten up too badly? No, it's just on to better opportunities with your esteem well in tow. Above all don't try too hard. Women can sense this immediately. If you want to impress her with the fact that you are a surgical resident at Mass General, don't bring this up right away. Let it come out through the course of natural conversation.

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